My Nan, who I’ve never really been close to recently lost her husband and due to circumstances we had to move her down to a residential home in Essex to be closer to the family. Since coming down me and Little Mumma (my daughter) have been spending a lot of time with her and I feel I have connected with her in a strange way. The boys have been visiting too but not so much because of school. Last week she had a fall and was taken to hospital. Today was the first time I’ve seen her since.
My Nan has dementia and some days are better than others but today for me was the worst I have ever seen her. She seemed so lost and confused. She didn’t know who we were but Little Mumma rekindled something in her, a little twinkle of light in her eyes.
Since leaving her I have been crying on and off none stop. I feel so guilty for leaving her all alone on that ward. I want to bring her home to come and live with me but practically with 4 young children living at home it is near impossible. How could I leave her to do the school run? To go shopping? Or to do the after school activities? The noise and commotion will be to much for her to take. The best I can do is continue going and spending time with her as much as I possibly can.
This poem was inspired by today’s visit. I’m sorry Nan 💔😢
Who are they?
As you walk towards me all smiles and grins
I don’t remember your faces my memories I search.
There’s something familiar, the girl in your arms.
Then hugs and kisses you’re calling me “Nan”.
I pretend I remember but the vacancy is transparent in my eyes.
That little girl, let me hold her it might all come flooding back.
She looks at me with admiration and her gentle touch on my face.
I may not recollect where I know her but it feels comforting, I feel loved.
I feel proud of my grandchildren even if I don’t know their little faces or names.
But who are you all, surrounding my bed?
It reminds me of home let me get dressed, let us leave.
But you tell me I can’t come that I must get better and heal.
I tell you I’m fine just pass me my clothes.
“No nan you must stay. Tomorrow you can come”.
To a home I don’t remember, a home I don’t know.
I’m lonely, I’m confused and I’m scared.
Who am I? Who are they? Where am I? Where’s my husband? I don’t remember he died.
There is no one I can turn to and ask them to explain because as soon as they tell me their words go away.
Now they’re leaving my tears roll down from the corners of my eyes.
But as soon as they’re gone I won’t know they were here.
Can you imagine my confusion? I feel abandoned and lost.
On a ward with no family, no memories and no home.
Maybe it will return, my mind will come back. The memories of good times to return a smile on my face.
This poem is dedicated to everyone suffering with dementia. I can only imagine what it is like to be in your mind. I hope somewhere in there are happy memories from the years you do remember.
Inspired by Nanny Kathleen…we love you loads.
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