For the past few weeks I’ve been waking up every morning with a ball of fear/anxiety in the pit of my stomach. It literally has been making me feel sick. I’ve been praying and meditating to try and understand what it is. Then last week I had a scan. I was told that the results would take 5 working days. As you may be aware I turned my phone off last week but on the Tuesday I had some banking to do so turned it on to see a message from the NHS so I read it (Yes, I failed my self-challenge lol). It said they want me to contact my surgery for a same day appointment. At first I thought it was for my daughter to collect some iron drops the hospital was prescribing her but when I called that wasn’t the case. It was regarding the results from my scan. They made me an appointment the following morning with my angel of a doctor who I will call Dr Angel. The fear kicked in!
Since having Little Mumma I have known something isn’t right. I’m really beginning to get in tune with my body! After my babies I work hard to get back in shape and although I have been back to the gym I have avoided any abdominal work outs hence why I still have my saggy belly 😂😂🙈
So, I worked myself up in preparation for my appointment with Dr Angel who advised me that a cyst that I had previously has grown and holding fluid (45ml). They also discovered something else outside my womb but due to so much scar tissue (that’s what happens when you have so many children 🙈) they could not see clearly. They think it may be connected to my latest c section and she has ordered me to have a CAT scan within 2 weeks (I could not praise Dr Angel more she has been a real blessing to me).
Within a week of my scan I have an appointment today with the gynocologist. As much as I have been praying, meditating and trying to self heal I am shitting myself! I have tried avoiding the negative thoughts but they keep on popping up in my mind. Why is it we always think of the worst case scenario? I’ve been thinking what if it’s cancer? and then I start thinking no don’t think that because you’ll manifest it and then it’s an all out war (negative vs positive) of thoughts in my head driving me crazy.
I haven’t really spoken to anyone because I have this really bad habit of holding back and playing Miss Strong. I’m also scared of putting things out there into the universe. I try to deal with a lot of things that happen in my life by myself because I don’t want to unburden my load onto someone else. “Why should anyone else have to suffer? Everyone has there own problems why add to them? If I speak my fears they will happen”. It’s such a bad way of thinking and I’m really trying to learn to reach out and let go of myself. I’m try to feel my fears and let them pass. I think it’s an ego thing but whatever it is it’s NOT GOOD!
Out of all of this it has highlighted that my children are my strenght. WHATEVER I have I WILL BE GREAT. I have to be because they need me at my best health physically and mentally. I also have come to the realisation that there is no point in worrying about tomorrow and just let today be (I think this is why I am so scared today lol). No, on a serious note what I’m trying to say is that we don’t know what tomorrow will bring it could be death or it could be a lottery win we will never know so why waste time thinking and even stressing about it. Lets just enjoy each moment as it comes. Lets learn to appreciate every second, minute, hour and day as it comes. Let’s stop worrying and stressing over things we have no control over because we are only making life difficult when in fact it can all be so simple (just as Lauren Hill sang).
Now I’ve finished writing this my ball of fear has gone. I think this one was for me and I need to listen to my own words.
Writing is my release. And on a different note have you heard the wind and rain out there? Where ever you’re going today wrap up warm and enjoy your time.
PEACE AND LOVE ❤
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