Lonliness

I’m surrounded by good family and friends but at times I feel so alone. Alone in my thoughts, my pain and my heartache. In the confussion of it all I struggle to express it vocally. My thoughts get mixed up with my feelings and emotions and I can’t untangle them. I don’t want to burden anyone with it all and I’m scared of being misunderstood. I’m a strong, independant woman but I have days when I’m weak. When I just want to climb in my bed and stay there until I wake up and the burden of it all goes away. But I can’t allow myself to give in.

Some days I feel so high in happiness and love but on days like today it’s a struggle. I battle to smile and I’m scared to laugh because that laughter may turn to tears. I’m at an internal war fighting for happiness. It’s all part of my journey I tell myself and that the strength that I have built within myself there can only be one outcome…I WILL CONQUER AND I WILL WIN. But I get tired of battling. Why does life have to be so complicated? In my world everything is black and white so how do I fit in in a world that is in full colour? I try to write it down but still it gets stuck inside. I pray that one day I will find someone who will understand me, who will be able to ease it all out. For now I have my writing that helps me to release a little bit at a time and this I am grateful for.
Today I feel and let the sadness flow in hope that tomorrow it will be gone. I have to be thankful for these days because how would I appreciate the amazingly good days that fill my life. Today is a reminder that like a flower I need a thunder storm as much as the sun to allow me to grow.

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