This is what anxiety looks like…
Last night I was invited to my gym friend’s birthday at Array in Harold Hill. Can I say what a beautiful venue it is but the customer care was SO poor. It was my first night out for 2022 and the battle I had with myself to go was intense. I had the worst panic attack ever and was literally going through it for hours. I suffered heart palpitations, was nauseous, had hot and cold flushes, was tearful, I didn’t know what to do with myself, I didn’t know if I wanted to be alone or around people, one minute I convinced myself I was going out and the next I was following my instincts to stay home. I messaged my friend who’s birthday it was about ten times to say I wasn’t coming and deleted it every time. I even planned my journey, which I never do to see how long it would take me to get home. I was a complete wreck but after speaking to my good friend, brother and sister-in-law I decided to have a relaxing bath, put on some music, get dressed up, put on some make up and go.
Once I arrived I was shaking and felt like I was going to burst into tears. All I wanted to do was leave to go back to the comfort of my home but I held it together and I forced myself to stay, forced myself to smile and forced conversations. I didn’t have the greatest night and was home by twelve but I was proud that I coerced myself to go. For the first time in a very long time I was approached by a couple of guys who asked me out but I politely declined. On any other night I would of been fully gassed because it’s not often I get chatted up. I recieved so many complements which I was grateful for but they all made me feel really uncomfortable within myself.
Today I am still feeling anxious and very emotional to the point I’ve decided to seek professional help but I feel this is more of a spiritual experience that I’m going through rather than a mental one. I feel like I’m being forced to deal with issues which I have been in denial of and avoiding to face. Now is my time to be brave and win this battle against my anxiety. I’m ready to work hard on myself and if I’m honest, I just can’t deal with it anymore. So many people are going through all kinds of different struggles and problems at the moment and in me posting this is not only helping myself but showing that by sharing and talking about our issues isn’t a sign of weakness but of strength. Even writing this my heart is pounding and my palms are sweating and I’m considering not posting out of fear of what some people will think BUT f@#k it, let people think what they want because it’s coming from a place of good intentions…my heart.